<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>Husk by Alastors_Radio</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/30016248">Husk</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alastors_Radio/pseuds/Alastors_Radio'>Alastors_Radio</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Hazbin Movie Parodies [7]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Hazbin Hotel (Web Series), Helluva Boss (Web Series), Shrek (Movies)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Shrek Fusion, Inspired by Shrek (Movies), Multi, Other Additional Tags to Be Added</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-04-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 22:00:25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>4,899</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/30016248</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alastors_Radio/pseuds/Alastors_Radio</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Hazbin/Helluva Boss meets Shrek!</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Hazbin Movie Parodies [7]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1982405</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This one has been suggested by Double0cinamonbun! I tried to gift it but for some reason it wouldn't allow me too, but this is for you sweet bun! Hope you all enjoy!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Once upon a time, there was a lovely prince. But he had an enchantment upon him of a fearful sort, which could only be broken by love's first kiss. He was locked away in a castle, guarded by a terrible fire-breathing moth. Many brave knights had attempted to free him from the dreadful prison, but none prevailed. He waited in the moth's keep, in the highest room of the tallest tower, for his true love and true love's first kiss." Husk laughed. "Like that's ever gonna happen." He wiped his ass and flushed the porta potty. "What a load of--" he slams the lid down and Husk hops out of his outhouse and his routine of taking a mud shower and farting in his pool began.<br/>[♪ All-Star By Smash Mouth Playing]<br/>Steve Harwell: ♪ Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me, I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed. She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb in the shape of an "L" on her forehead. The years start comin', and they don't stop comin', fed to the rules and I hit the ground runnin', didn't make sense not to live for fun. Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb. So much to do, so much to see, so what's wrong with takin' the backstreets. You'll never know if you don't go, you'll never shine if you don't glow. Hey, now, you're an all-star. Get your game on, go play. Hey, now, you're a rock star. Get the show on, get paid. And all that glitters is gold, only shootin' stars break the mold. It's a cool place, and they say it gets colder, you're bundled up now, but wait till you get older. But the meteor men beg to differ judging by the hole in the satellite picture. The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin, the water's getting warm so you might as well swim. My world's on fire, how 'bout yours? That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored. Hey, now, you're an all-star. ♪</p><p>Shouting was heard in the distance.</p><p>Steve Harwell: ♪ Get your game on, go play. Hey, now, you're a rock star. Get the show on, get paid. And all that glitters is gold, only shootin' stars break the mold. ♪</p><p>Husk burps a nasty ass burp.</p><p>"Go! Go!"</p><p>[Record Scrating]<br/>Steve Harwell: ♪ Go. Go. Go. Hey, now, you're an all-star. Get your game on, go play. Hey, now, you're a rock star, get the show on, get paid. And all that glitters is gold, only shootin' stars break the mold. ♪</p><p>"Think it's in there? All right! Let's get it!" A villager asked another.</p><p>"Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing could do to you?"</p><p>"Yeah, it'll grind your bones for its bread."</p><p>Husk laughed, "Yes, well, actually, that would be a fucking giant. Now, ogres-- they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin."</p><p>"No!"</p><p>"They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast." Husk continued as the villagers started to panic.</p><p>"Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!" The one with the spear spoke. Husk grabbed the pointed stick and snapped it in half, the villagers gasped. "Right." Husk then let out a scary roar which caused the villagers to scream. This went back and forth for a bit.</p><p>"This is the part where you run away." Husked whispered which caused the villagers to run away, screaming like three year old girls who couldn't get my a new little pony toy. "And stay out!" He laughed as he saw a poster on the ground. "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures." He sighed.</p><p>~~~~`</p><p>"All right. This one's full. Take it away!" A guard spoke.</p><p>"Guard Move it along. Come on! Get up!" Another barked.</p><p>"Next!" The captain of the guard shouted from behind a wooden table.</p><p>"Give me that! Your flying days are over."</p><p>"That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!"</p><p>"Get up!"</p><p>"Twenty pieces."</p><p>"Come on!"</p><p>"Sit down there! Keep quiet!"</p><p>"This cage is too small." A poor baby hear cried.</p><p>"Please don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance!" A talking red donkey spoke to his human. Normally he doesn't beg, but sometimes deprestate times call for desperate measures.</p><p>"Oh, shut up!" The lady yanked on the rope around his furry red neck.</p><p>"Oh!"</p><p>"Next! What have you got?"</p><p>"This little wooden puppet."</p><p>"I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy." The talking puppet argued as his wooden nose free about three feet.</p><p>"Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away."</p><p>"Father, please! Don't let them do this!"</p><p>"Next."</p><p>"Help me!"</p><p>"What have you got?" The captain of the guard asked the woman.</p><p>"Well, I've got a talking donkey."</p><p>"Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it."</p><p>"Oh, go ahead, little fella." The woman spoke gingerly to the red animal, who kept his mouth closed.</p><p>"Well?"</p><p>"Oh, oh, he's just-- He's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt--"</p><p>"That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!"</p><p>"No, no, he talks! He does." She moves her Donkey’s lips. "I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw."</p><p>"Get her out of my sight."</p><p>"No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!" Suddenly the bag of pixie dust had fallen on top of our beloved talking donkey.</p><p>"Hey, I can fly!" He gasped, clearly pleased with the outcome of this situation.</p><p>"He can fly!" Peter pan spoke.</p><p>"He can fly!" Three little piggies by the names of Loona, Millie and Moxie spoke.</p><p>"He can talk!" The captain of the guard said surprised.</p><p>"Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking, donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly, but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! Uh-oh." The pixie dust wore off and he came crashing down to the ground once again.</p><p>"Seize him!"</p><p>"After him! He's getting away!" The donkey than ran into Husk.</p><p>"Get him! This way! Turn!"</p><p>"You there. Ogre!"</p><p>"Aye?" Husk turned annoyed.</p><p>"By the order of Lord BlitzoQuaad, I am authorized to place you both under arrest, and transport you to a designated, resettlement facility." The Captain spoke, nervously might I add.</p><p>"Oh, really? You and what army?" Husk asked peering behind the now single man. The guard turned and ran away.</p><p>"Can I say somethin' to you? Listen, you were really, really something' back there. Incredible! And I don't give out compliments often." The donkey, who if you haven't figured out, is named Alastor.</p><p>"Are you talkin' to-- me? Whoa!"</p><p>"Yes, I was talking' to you. Can I tell you that you was great back there? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, then bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babies in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that."</p><p>"Oh, that's great. Really." Husk spoke, clearly uninterested in everything.</p><p>"Man, it's good to be free."</p><p>"Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?"</p><p>"But, uh, I don't really have any friends. And I'm not going out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're a mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us." Husk turned and roared at Alastor who didn't even flinch.</p><p>"Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me saying', if that doesn't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause your breath stinks! Man, you almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time-- [Mumbling] Then I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day."</p><p>"Why are you following me?"</p><p>"I'll tell you why. ♪ 'Cause I'm all alone. There's no one here beside me. My problems have all gone, there's no one to deride me. But you gotta have friends-- ♪" Alastor broke out into song.</p><p>"Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends."</p><p>"Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest."</p><p>"Listen, little donkey."</p><p>"Alastor."</p><p>Totally ignoring the name being said, Husk continued. "Take a look at me. What am I?"</p><p>"Uh-- Really tall?"</p><p>"No! I'm an ogre. You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?"</p><p>"Nope."</p><p>"Really?"</p><p>"Really, really."</p><p>"Oh."</p><p>"Man, I like you. What's your name?"</p><p>"Uh, Husk."</p><p>"Husk? Well, you know what I like about you, Husker? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Husker. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in a place like that?" Alastor scrunched up his nose at the sight of the home that was laid before him.</p><p>"That would be my home."</p><p>"Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess you don't entertain much, do you?"</p><p>"I like my privacy."</p><p>"You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like, I hate it when you get somebody in your face. You're trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence, you know. Can I stay with you?"</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Uh, what?”</p><p>“Can I stay with you? Please?” Alastor asked politely, the gentleman donkey he was taught to be.</p><p>“Of course!” husk replied happily.</p><p>“Really?”</p><p>“No.” Husk deadpanned.</p><p>“Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!” Alastor basically begged.</p><p>“Okay! Okay! But one night only.”</p><p>“Ah! Thank you!”</p><p>“What are you-- No! No!” Husk yelled as Alastor waltzed his way into Husk’s home.</p><p>“This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swapping' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.” Alastor spoke happily.</p><p>“Oh!”</p><p>“Where do, uh, I sleep?”</p><p>"Outside!" Husk yelled, he was so done with Alastors shit.</p><p>"Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. [Sniffles] Here I go. Good night. [Sighs] I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside. ♪ I'm all alone, there's no one here beside me. ♪" Soon Husk heard noises around the house.</p><p>"I thought I told you to stay outside." Husk asked, annoyed.</p><p>"I am outside." More clattering was heard.</p><p>"Well, gents it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have?" A small mouse spoke.</p><p>"It's not home, but it'll do just fine." Another spoke.</p><p>"What a lovely bed." Said a third.</p><p>"Got ya." Husk said as he grabbed one.</p><p>"I found some cheese." The mouse in Husks hand spoke and bite his ear.</p><p>"Ow!"</p><p>"Blah! Awful stuff."</p><p>"Is that you, Mimzy?"</p><p>"How did you know?"</p><p>"Enough! What are you doing in my house?" Husk grunted. "Hey!" Something laughed. "Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table." Husk spoke as he pointed the beautiful pale blonde with rosey cheeks now lying on his dining table.</p><p>"Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken." A small dwarf like the creature with the name tag saying Vagatha.<br/>"Huh?" He moved to the bed room and pulled back the torn, moldy curtain surrounding his bed.</p><p>"What?" A hound wearing granny jammies asked.</p><p>"I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do to get a little privacy?"</p><p>"Aah!"</p><p>"Oh, no. Oh, no. No! No!" Husk said as he heard so much noise coming from outside.<br/>What?" He spoke as his mouth fell open at the sight. His beloved swamp was filled to the brim with fairy tale creatures.</p><p>"Quit it. Don't push." A small girl said to a young boy.</p><p>"What are you doing in my swamp?" </p><p>"Oh, dear!" Some small fairies dispersed.</p><p>"Whoa!" Another dwarf with the name tag Nifty said as she looked at Husk.</p><p>"All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!"</p><p>"Quickly. Come on!" Another dwarf yelled as the rest of them ran into the house and locked the door.</p><p>No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there." Husk looked at Alastor.</p><p>"Hey, look at me. I didn't invite them."</p><p>"Oh, gosh, no one invited us." The small wooden puppet spoke.</p><p>"What?" Husk asked, still confused as to what the hell was happening.</p><p>"We were forced to come here."</p><p>"By who?" Husk asked, irritated.</p><p>"Lord Blitzoquaad. He huffed and he puffed and he... signed an eviction notice." Moxxie, one of the piggies, spoke.</p><p>"All right. Who knows where this Blitzoquaad guy is?" Husk asked everyone.</p><p>"Oh, I do. I know where he is." Alastor spoke up, his smile never leaving his face.</p><p>"Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?"</p><p>"Me! Me!" Alastor kept on.</p><p>"Anyone?"</p><p>"Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!" </p><p>"Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Blitzoquaad right now, and get you all off my land and back where you came from!"  Everyone cheered. "Oh! You! You're comin' with me." Husk pointed the red furred Alastor.</p><p>"All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Husker and Alastor, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it! ♪ On the road again. ♪ Sing it with me, Husker! ♪ I can't wait to get on the road again. ♪"</p><p>"What did I say about singing?"</p><p>"Can I whistle?"</p><p>"No."</p><p>"Can I hum it?"</p><p>"All right, hum it." So Alastor began his hum.</p><p>~~~~</p><p>"That's enough! He's ready to talk." Blitzo spoke and the little gingerbread man began to cough.</p><p> </p><p>"Run, run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!" Blitzoquaad laughed as he took the broken parts of the gingerbread man, also named Luci, and fake ran them around.</p><p>"You're a monster."</p><p>"I'm not the monster here, you are! You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now tell me, where are the others!?"</p><p>"Eat me!" Luci then spit in Blitzoquaad's face.</p><p>"I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll--"</p><p>"No, not the buttons! Not my apple flavored gumdrop buttons!" Luci squealed.</p><p>"All right then. Who's hiding them!?"</p><p>"Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?"</p><p>"The muffin man?"</p><p>"The muffin man."</p><p>"Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Hazbin Lane?"</p><p>"Well, she's married to the muffin man."</p><p>"The muffin man!?"</p><p>"The muffin man!" Luci screamed.</p><p>"She's married to the muffin man." Blitzoquaad then tapped his chin as the door opened.</p><p>"My lord! We found it."</p><p>"Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in." He ordered.</p><p>"Oh!" Luci stared wide eyed at the beautiful mirror that had entered.</p><p>"Magic Mirror--"</p><p>"Don't tell him anything! No!" Gingy yelled.</p><p>"Evening. Mirror, mirror, on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of all?"</p><p>"Well, technically you're not a king cuite." The princely owl face in the mirror spoke.</p><p>"Uh, Impy. You were saying?"</p><p>"What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess, or a mirror." He mumbled the last part.</p><p>"Go on."</p><p>"So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelor and bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Velvet. Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men and women, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Charlie Mange! And last, but certainly not the least, bachelor number three is a fiery brunette turned blonde, from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. He's a loaded pistol who likes piña coladas and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Prince Anthony, or Angel! So will it be, bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelor number three?" The owlish mirror asked and the guards around Blitzoquaad began yelling what numbers they wanted.</p><p>"Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three!"</p><p>"Three? One?" He shudders, "Three?"</p><p>"Three! Pick number three, my lord!" Impy spoke holding up two fingers.</p><p>"Okay, okay, uh, number three!" Blitzoquaad finally answered.</p><p>"Shame. Lord Blitzoquaad, you've chosen Prince Anthony, thought he prefers Angel."</p><p>[♪ Escape By Rupert Holmes Playing]<br/>♪ If you like piña coladas. And getting caught in the rain. ♪</p><p>"Princess Angel." Blitzoquaad stared dreamily at his picture.</p><p>♪ If you're not into yoga. ♪</p><p>"He's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go--"</p><p>"But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night." Owl Mirror spoke.</p><p>"I'll do it!"</p><p>"Yes, but after sunset."</p><p>"Silence! I will make this Prince Angel as my queen, and ImpTown will finally have the perfect king! Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament!"</p><p>~~~~</p><p>"But that's it. That's it right there. That's ImpTown. I told ya I'd find it." Alastor smiled proudly.</p><p>"So, that must be Lord Blitzoquaad's castle."</p><p>"Uh-huh. That's the place."</p><p>"Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?" Husk laughed at his inappropriate joke but Alastor didn't get it.</p><p>"Hey, wait. Wait up, Husker."</p><p>"Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry." A man spoke to his wife.</p><p>"Hey, you!" Husk yelled out to him and they screamed and ran away. "Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat ya. I just-- I just--" But it was too late, the man and wan were gone. Alastor and Husk entered the cities walls.</p><p>"It's quiet. Too quiet." Husk looked around suspiciously. "Where is everybody?"</p><p>"Hey, look at this!" Alastor said as he went to a tiny contraption on the side of a building. After a bunch of roaring gears, the curtains opened and some wooden box thing appeared and the tiny toy children in the box started to sing.</p><p> ♪ Welcome to ImpTown such a perfect town. Here was have some rules, let us lay them down. Don't make waves, stay in line and we'll get along fine, ImpTown is a perfect place. Please keep off of the grass, shine your shoes, wipe your… Ass. ImpTown is, ImpTwon is, ImpTown is a perfect place! ♪<br/>The curtains close and the shutter and flash of camera blinded the two.</p><p>"Wow! Let's do that again!" Alastor went to hit the button again but Husk stopped him.</p><p>"No. No. No, no, no! No."</p><p>~~~~</p><p>"Brave knights. You are the best and brightest in all the land." Blitzoquaad spoke to the knights in front of him. The benches surrounding the arena filled with every last citizen of ImpTown. "Today one of you shall prove himself--"</p><p>Husk and Alastor walked towards the noise and as Alastor hummed the ImpTown song Husk spoke, "All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom."</p><p>"Sorry about that."</p><p> </p><p>"That champion shall have the honor-- no, no-- the privilege, to go forth and rescue the lovely Prince Anthony, from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place, and so on and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make." Blitzoquaad spoke and the audience cheered. "Let the tournament begin!"</p><p>Suddenly a collective gasp was heard throughout the stadium.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Please don't forget to comment and kudo! And remember to leave suggestions for other parodies you would want to see!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Sorry for the wait! I was busy for the longest time and I was sick!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Oh!"</p><p>"What is that?" Blitzoquaad asked and then everyone gasped. "It's hideous!"</p><p>"Ah, that's not very nice." Husk then looked back to Alastor. "It's just a donkey."</p><p>"Huh?" Alastor asked, not getting the fact that Husk said he was hideous.</p><p>"Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the ogre will be named champion! Have at him!" Blitzoquaad addressed his lackeys.</p><p>"Get him!"</p><p> </p><p>"Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now."</p><p>"Go ahead! Get him!"</p><p>"Can't we just settle this over a pint?"</p><p>"Kill the beast!"</p><p>"No? All right then. Come on!"</p><p>♪ Bad Reputation By Joan Jett Playing<br/> ♪ I don't give a damn about my reputation. You're living in the past, it's a new generation. ♪</p><p>"Damn!" A knight shouted as he kissed a shot.</p><p> ♪ A girl can do what she wants to do, and that's what I'm gonna do. And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me. Me, me, me. ♪</p><p>"Hey, Husker, tag me! Tag me!" Alastor called from the sidelines.</p><p>♪ And I don't give a damn about my reputation. Never said I wanted to improve my station. ♪</p><p>"Ah!" Husk laughed.</p><p>♪ And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun. ♪</p><p>"Yeah!"</p><p>♪ And I don't have to please no one. ♪</p><p>"The chair! Give him the chair!" A fan yelled.</p><p>♪ And I don't give a damn about my reputation. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me. Me, me, me. Oh, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me. Not me. ♪</p><p>"Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!" Husk smiled triumphantly as a shit ton of archers readied their bows, aiming at Husk and Alastor.</p><p> </p><p>"Shall I give the order, sir?" A knight asked Blitzoquaad.</p><p>"No, I have a better idea. People of ImpTwon, I give you our champion!" Blitzoquaad pointed to Husk.</p><p>"What?"</p><p>"Congratulations, ogre. You've won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest."</p><p>"Quest? I'm already on a fucking quest, a quest to get my swamp back."</p><p>"Your swamp?"</p><p>"Yeah impshit, my swamp! Where you dumped those fairy tale….. things"</p><p>"Indeed. All right, ogre, I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back!" Blitzoquaad spread his arms smiling.</p><p>"Exactly the way it was?"</p><p>"Down to the last slime-covered toadstool."</p><p>"And the squatters?"</p><p>"As good as gone!"</p><p>"What kind of quest?"</p><p>~~~</p><p>"Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon, and rescue a prince just so Blitzoquaad will give you back a swamp, which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. Is that about right?" Alastor asked as he walked alongside Husk.</p><p>"You know what? Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk."</p><p>"I don't get it, Husker. Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grind his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip." </p><p>"Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village, and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?" Husk asked, sarcasm dripping from every word.</p><p>"Uh, kind of." Alastor smiled.</p><p>"For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think."</p><p>"Example?"</p><p>"Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions."</p><p>"They smell awful?" Alastor asked while sniffing an onion.</p><p>"Yes-- No!"</p><p>"Or they make you cry like a pretty girl about to be killed?"</p><p>"No!"</p><p>"Oh, you leave them out in the sun, they get all brown, start sprouting little white hairs."</p><p>"No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers." Husk sighed.</p><p>"Oh, you both have layers. Oh. *Sniffs*  You know, not everybody likes onions. Cakes! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers." Alastor spoke though he personally didn't like cakes either, but even he had to admit that they smelled fairly good.</p><p>"I don't care... what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes."</p><p>"You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Hey, let's get some parfait," they say, "Hey, no, I don't like parfait"? Parfaits are delicious." Alastor rambled again.</p><p>"No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! End of story. Bye-bye. See ya later."</p><p>"Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet."</p><p>"You know, I think I prefer your humming."</p><p>"Do you have a tissue or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait makes me start slobbering."</p><p>♪ I'm On My Way By The Proclaimers <br/>♪ I'm on my way from misery to happiness today. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. I'm on my way from misery to happiness today. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. And everything that you receive up yonder is what you give to me the day I wander, I'm on my way. I'm on my way. I'm on my way. ♪</p><p>~~~</p><p>"Ooh! Husker! Did you do that? Man, you gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open and everything." Alastor gagged.</p><p>"Believe me, Al, if it was me, you'd be dead. *Sniffs* It's brimstone. We must be getting close."</p><p>"Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone either." Alastor argued.</p><p> </p><p>"Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location." Husk laughed as he looked at the castle across the rickety old bridge.</p><p>"Uh, Husker? Uh, remember when you said ogres have layers?"</p><p>"Oh, aye."</p><p>"Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves."</p><p>"Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves." Husk smirked.</p><p>"You know what I mean." Alastor glared back.</p><p>"Oh, you can't tell me you're afraid of heights."</p><p>"No, I'm just a little uncomfortable being on a rickety over a boiling lake of lava!"</p><p>"Come on, Al. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support, we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time."</p><p>"Really?"</p><p>"Really, really."</p><p>"Okay, that makes me feel so much better."</p><p>"Just keep moving. And don't look down." The two started to make there way across the bridge.</p><p>"Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down." One of Alastors hooves broke a board and he looked down. "Husker! I'm looking down! Oh, Lucifer, I can't do this! Just let me off right now, please!"</p><p>"But you're already halfway."</p><p>"Yeah, but I know that half is safe!"</p><p>"Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back." Husk pushed forward, blocking Alastors way back.</p><p>"Husker, no! Wait!"</p><p>"Just, Alastor-- Come on. Let's have a dance then, shall we?" Husk started to rock the bridge from side to side.</p><p>"Don't do that!"</p><p>"Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this?" He did it again.</p><p>"Yes, that!"</p><p>"Yes? Yes, do it. Okay." Shrek continued to rock the bridge back and forth.</p><p>"No, Husker! No! Stop it!"</p><p>"You said do it! I'm doin' it."</p><p>"I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Husker, I'm gonna die. Oh!" Alastor looked down to see that he was now on the other side of the bridge.</p><p>"That'll do, Donkey. That'll do." He patted Alastor's head to which Alastor proceeded to give him a small galre.</p><p>"Cool. So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?"</p><p>"Inside, waiting for us to rescue him." Husk replied.</p><p>"I was talking about the dragon, Husker." Water was dripping and the wind was howling in the background. "You afraid?" Alastor asked as the walked further into the castle.</p><p>"No, but-- Shh."</p><p>"Oh, good. Me neither. 'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared, you know what I mean. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that."</p><p>"Alastor, two things, okay? Shut... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs."</p><p>"Stairs? I thought I was lookin' for the prince."</p><p>"The prince will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower."</p><p>"What makes it you think he'll be there?"</p><p>"I read it in a book once."</p><p>"Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'." the floors started creaking. "I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here, right here. I'd step all over it."</p><p>"Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the--?"</p><p>"Dragon!" Alastor screamed as Husk gasped at the sight of the pinkest, glitteriest fucking dragon. The dragon smiled, showing off it's golden teeth, then roars.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Please don't forget to comment and suggest future parodies!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>